Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
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What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?