This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
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“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog