I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
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“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?