Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
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Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh