I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
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My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Need this in my life lol
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen