While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
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Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
cry laughing at this shit
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Oh the world we live in…
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars