Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
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Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
What a year we’ve had this week.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”