Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
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ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me