Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
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Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.