My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
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‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.