Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
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Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Camping tip: No.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?