I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
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[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
*skinny dips into black hole
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.