Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
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Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Finally
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck