Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
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My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.