I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
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I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off