I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
You Might Also Like
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.