No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
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Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
“Wait, let me explain..”
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.