I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
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A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
My favorite female superhero
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?