Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
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What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Not today.. 😂
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”