My nickname in high school was “who?”
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I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”