*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
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I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish