Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
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She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Imagine having a party on purpose.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.