[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
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A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.