A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
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Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
This took me a second..
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I’m having an out of money experience.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’