Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
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“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.