The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
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Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?