*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
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Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok