how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
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Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Best spot.. 😅
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?