At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
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Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie