The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
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Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”