My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
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My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
*limbos away from your hug*
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
wow
yes… yes…
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays