I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
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This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Mad Max Arctic Road
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…