Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
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If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?