I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
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them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
That’s classic.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
BaD BoY!!
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
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Morningbreath
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We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”