My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
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I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
So many pants.
So little yoga.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Meat Cute
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.