WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
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My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
man: wait
time: no
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.
Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.
Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.
You’re never too old to follow your dreams.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
#Caturday