at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
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HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession