I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
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sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”