When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
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Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
I’m aging like a fine banana
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Am I having a stroke?
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.