Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
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Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
yall want some gasoline milk
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.