My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
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Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
The point of your 20s
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this