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Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay