– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
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This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
reminder
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.