Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
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I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend