We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
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first date idea we go to marriage counseling
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”