Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
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A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
God, I love Scotland
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day