There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
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People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
These are my roll models.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.