LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
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hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Me My dog
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.