In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
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ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.