cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
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who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
They grow up so quick
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.